Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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