he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
