Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
