hotel room ftw
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
