that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
