Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
