so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
just found out that she named her cat after me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
