I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
