I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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