moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How does it feel to date your dad?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
