i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
