I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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