Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
