Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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