i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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