I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
