i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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