Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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