everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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