I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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