Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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