drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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