This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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