Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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