So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
