She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
