I could make wine with my vomit
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
