My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
