If you die in college, do you die in real life?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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