oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
