Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
