It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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