i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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