I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
