Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
