Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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