so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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