i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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