we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
