and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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