just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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