I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I forget how to act sober
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
