I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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