this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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