now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
