Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
