Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
