I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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