So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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