your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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