she woke up with a sticky ear
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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