the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just pynch a tree in the face
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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