I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
