her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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