Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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