I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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