ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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