that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You smell like stripper and shame
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
